i went to new england a couple weeks ago

i wish i could say with any degree of certainty that what i was feeling there was something i could live with forever, or that i could say the same to the contrary. maybe it was just the state of mind i was in then, exacerbated by the prospect of any life other than this one.

it doesn't even have to be more exciting, you know. i've always believed somewhere in the back of my mind that my place in the world could be a quiet place. somewhere i've got all i need, certainly not everything i want.

last week i was thinking a lot about my mortality. it's something i'm not really comfortable talking about at length, and yet, it was something that was on my mind in a way that i'm not used to, with it being one of my greatest fears and all. at first, i was crying every night before i went to bed. i began to wish that i had my mom around to help me through these kind of things. i wish i could say that she'd know what to say, but i'm starting to realize that no one ever really does, at least not when we think we know what we need them to say,

people are unpredictable and i think it's largely for the better. so much of my life has consisted of trying to predict every scenario i'll encounter, or trying to conceptualize the people around me to the point where i thought i knew the exact flavor of thoughts rolling around in their heads. it's the hallmark of a mentally ill adolescence but the older i get the harder it is to struggle with, and to watch others' struggle with. i think i'm okay with spending the rest of my life being proven wrong. about myself, about others. we don't really get to go on in life believing otherwise.

i wish i had pretty thoughts to share. about new england, and how i love foggy days. how those hour long drives are so easy, but sometimes even just hanging around is a struggle for me when my head isn't in the right place. or why i'm so impatient, and frustrated over things i can't possibly understand or want. knowing better, and being so confrontational still. performing constantly still, being grateful that i am becoming someone else in the process. am i afraid to become stuck this way? sensible and always rationalizing, pleasant and people-pleasing, never enough regardless. but i stopped believing that ages ago.

i don't let it keep anyone up at night.

and so i am sorry for keeping the light on. next time i will pretend to be asleep.

8.11.26