21 april (vent)
21 april 2025 12:11am
(disclaimer! i am okay! well not really, i just came out of a major depressive episode and
must now deal with the consequences... i am actually very not okay! but! this disclaimer is
basically me saying that i am not in any actual physical harm :-) i am just very sad! and
fighting secret struggles that i would rather not talk about here because they're messy! ok
thank you and again tw:vent
i am in new york for a bit and i have so much to say. so much i want to talk about but i really can't. i
have a million wishes. i wish i knew what to do, most of all. i wish i could feel one thing that didn't
contradict itself for once: how to be happy when you're sad, and so sad when you're happy. i am dealing
with a lot of cognitive dissonance. will i wake up one day and realize i could've just walked away? from
my sorrows, i mean. was i supposed to wake up one day and fix it all.
the thing i hate most about writing, and maybe even talking, is that people can't just read my
mind. when i say i don't have the solutions it's not because i simply do not. i have ideas and plans and
goals, and wishes. i don't even get myself sometimes when i go back and read what i wrote. but i wish
you understood what i meant when i say that one day i will wake up and realize it was all so wrong. i am
confused and scared. i want to deal with it on my own but i have learned to love. and it is not a love i
yet understand. i am living in a world i do not understand.
sometimes it feels like i have no one to tell. what is fixing? or healing? when is it just okay? i think
the part that makes it worst is the days when you do not break. you do not break or hurt or ruin a damn
thing. there is nothing i hate worse than being hurt. i can take my own anger, my own dissapointment.
maybe i can't, but i do. but i can not deal with being hurt by something outside of my personal sad
day-after-day world and feeling powerless about it. when i leave that world, when i talk to someone
about it, shit gets scary.
in this sense i feel drowned by my worldview sometimes. it makes me feel very broken and
very small. i judge people all the time for not having strength and it is because i know that no matter
how far i've come with my boundaries and being stronger, my failures to advocate for myself and push
myself to do more really sting! i want to talk more about this but its honestly really uncomfortable and
upsetting for so many reasons. therapy helps a lot but i wish it was 3 hours long every week instead of
45 mins. i have sooo sooo so much to say.
im tempted to clean this vent post up but honestly, it feels so good to be honest. no pretending, or
lying, or trying to sound smart. im feeling really upset nowadays! i fee like a liar, i feel
incompetent, i feel small. i feel very lazy and dumb and sad. and i also relish in my joys and in
pattern recognition, understanding what is hurting me. but i can not sit around and analyze forever, you
know? i've gotta start doing things for me. i want to write small short things for myself in a
diary. little but scary truths that could never be written here or anywhere. i dont know. this is a vent
post and it's over now. as much as i want to say,
i wish you didn't have to see me this way,
i also want to accept this part of me. i don't think i did that work nearly enough when i was
supposed to. i didn't and have not sat with this part of myself with anyone but myself and my
therapist and my boyfriend who has seen many of my lows. i struggle with my right to privacy vs my
desire to be known, but at the end of the day i know i get to make the decisions about this and i
have decided that my big long crazy vent post stays for the time being.
there is no poem here there is no beautiful picture there is no profound life message there is
none of that but i can say happily that i am proud to have expressed myself. i can sleep with that
knowledge. tomorrow i am back to writing about my love of the universe and the men who inhabit it
and having awesome friends and being latino and confused and scared it all comes back in time.
it all comes back in time. but i do not want to be here anymore. in this place, i mean. i will
work on finding another. i am always just trying to find home. etc. etc.
1:44
10 april
10 april 2025 11:17pm
my first meal of the day was 3 pieces of dark chocolate with raspberry bits that i stole from a cvs on
new scotland along with some toothpaste and mouthwash probably, and some tortilla chips that have been
around since my boyfriend's birthday in february. i finally caught up with better call saul, washed a
ton
of dishes, and had a wonderful pasta night. so sure, now there are dishes to be done again, my screen
time today was diabolical, and im starting to feel differently about a lot of things now, but again,
what a relief to have a normal day at all
it's been a couple weeks since my last panic episode, and my depression seems to be a bit more under
control. im getting better at forgiving myself and trying again i think. i still want to work on not
living in my past and future so much, though they really get to me sometimes, and overall trying to
think of others when i can because sometimes my own survival is all i can think of some days. but again,
while my struggles may be real, so is my reality. and i am safe, i am loved, and i get to try again
tomorrow.
11 april
11 april 2025, 4:25am
i am so very tired. i feel this may become a recurring theme in these. i never did finish the previous
entry entirely, i went to go play minecraft with my boyfriend instead.
last night i dreamt i was doordashing and i was in this big spacious building so spacious that it almost
lacked structure. there were fire escapes in the interior of this building and long sprawling floors,
ceilings high and low. families lived in this building and in the elevator i spoke to this nice mexican
woman with children and when she got off on her floor i told this other girl on the elevator how seeing
her made me miss home. i don't know what to do with that feeling.
i tell myself often that i can make home anywhere. i wonder now if what i really mean is that now i
matter where i go i just move my search. it rains outside, i like the sounds. 4:36
9 april
9 april 2025 1:01am
so very restless and i am so ti·red. it is so cold here. this page will be home to my
little blog from now on, i hope you will keep up with my occasional updates when they come! and so on
and so forth.
yesterday was an unusually cold day in april, it snowed a bit here in albany. i saw a movie with a
friend who i haven't gone out with ever, and i saw someone i wasn't friends with anymore on the bus ride
down to madison which i grow ever more familiar with. my life is so different nowadays i don't often
know how to deal with it. what a cold cold winter. —