today was a good day :)

can't really bring myself to be sad, especially not here. having a website is real dope. if you keep up with my many rants on the internet via instagram.com you'll know that i have thoughts about our digital age and nostalgia, and yet here i am and there i go taking old looking pictures and listening to dead bands (in my defense, it's all new to me!)

but this rant and this website are not going to be about that of course, who do you take me for? if i wanted to talk about our rapid descent into modernization and the bets im placing about the death of nostalgia and the birth of a secret third thing once 90s fashion has made its 10th turn around the sun, i would have you all subscribed to my substack (which is hot, by the way).

i'm tired of beating the same extremely dead horse though, and i've felt that way for a while now. you remember that time i talked about what i want to do with my life? it'll hit you like a truck if you're just sitting around thinking about it, you know. i've been feeling differently about a lot of things. i suppose what i'm saying is that overall, i'm trying to be less hard on myself for changing.

i haven't done work for this one class in weeks. today, for no reason at all (and maybe, as i'll explain later, for every reason ever) i went to the library and decided to do two readings. read them in their entirety, write a load of comments (cuz i was fascinated and all) and today when i wake up [exhausted] i am going to walk into a classroom i haven't been in since september and engage as though i was there the whole time

and that is the power of throwing away that shame. what is so out of character about getting back on track? about surviving with a smile on my face about it? at this point i think i know myself well enough to know that this is what i do. maybe it is the difficult acceptance of that, the embracing of it, that breaks that cycle. maybe it is that shame of being here that fulfills the self fulfilling prophecy. it is what keeps me stuck, when i could be using the energy from its absence to change.

maybe that's just personal though, but you know, you could always leave. say no. do something stupid and you'll find that maybe you felt more stupid not having done it. not that i'm doing that anyway, i have work to do. i have discussion posts to write and apologies to make, schedules to plan, friends to see, playlists to scan through, but for once i want it so bad. maybe the timing of it all is so coincidential. but i think that i only say that because i underestimate the work i do. even these silly write ups are me birthing thoughts and plans into existence.

i feel differently about love now. i think i will never be ashamed of having harbored love, i told myself some days ago that i can accept that it finds its home in me. i made an effort for that, for love to thrive in me. that's my real MO, even when my brain and its imbalances see within me my greatest fears, and reflections of those who have caused me hurt in the past. empathy can manifest in strange ways in that sense, and at that point it's like, what does it mean to separate the ways in which we see people? how can we live like that, and how can't we?

all i'm going to say and i can't make it any less than this is that it feels good to forgive. i was thinking about texting my mom today and telling her that i'm sorry for the kind of teenager i was, knowing that the text back would try to one up me on the forgiveness, and it's then that i realized that maybe some thoughts are better off left in their time and place. and so i will not relive my every mistake tonight and not even tomorrow. some things are better left unsaid and isn't it funny how they turn up anyway, without so much as a word? i did say last time that love is everywhere, and i meant it. know that all my trust is in that, and this write up will probably be much more short lived than the last because its not like, a crock of shit, its actually all very true, but it is just a snapshot of a moment of a thought. i will be back when it begins to speak for itself

with as much love as always
cult